If you Smack Yourself in the Face...Don't forget to Laugh

So this summer, I have been stress eating.  I won't go into what the stress is about.  This isn't a sob story about me.  I've gained 10 pounds since January and I know it's time to lose it.  I don't feel like I'm at my peak and my heart, my energy level, and my jeans show that.  :-)

I haven't been my "Superhero Mama" self so I needed to get back into it.  Not working out as much, not reading my bible as much, not going to bed as early, eating more 'sometimes' food, just not feeling as positive.  I try to be careful how I talk about my body and my weight in front of the superheroes.  I want them to know that strong can come in many shapes and sizes and that it's a full body, mind, faith in God package that develops strength.  So I've never said anything about it in front of them but I have made a shift backwards so I need to make that conscious shift forward again.

Step 1...I got back into my daily Bible readings (somehow life crowded them out).  Step 2... I started doing the couch to 5k program with the goal of increasing my speed (I can already run a 5k but I'm slow.).  So I run the intervals at a faster pace and the challenge is motivating me again.  Step 3...Then I started looking for new strength training routines I could do to "shake things up" a bit.

This brings me to the laughing part.  I was doing a new routine this morning.  You take a medicine ball.  Hold it over your head with your feet a little wider than shoulder width apart.  Then with your arms straight you (in one fluid movement...hypothetically), throw the ball down, move to a squat, pick up the ball from the floor and stand back up with the ball above your head...ready to start again.

Sounds great right?  I picked the 12 pound ball...seemed good since I've been doing more than that for other things.  Then I read the directions...it said "Throw forcefully".  So I did.  Wouldn't you know it...that ball bounced back up...hit me in the chin and threw me off balance.  Needless to say, I didn't complete the squat but I did start laughing.  In the past, I would have been mortified and not wanted to try again.  I would have berated myself for my clumsiness and not wanted to have anyone see me attempt it again.  I would have cut myself down.  But instead...I laughed.  I picked the ball up again and this time...I didn't "throw forcefully".  It went much more smoothly.

When I got home my muscles were happily sore and I was still laughing.  I woke up my Handsome Hubby for the day and shared my highlight with him.  He just smiled.  "I bet you didn't know you married such a graceful woman!".

My point.  Don't be afraid to try.  Don't take yourself too seriously.  This journey to health is hard!  I was smooth sailing and let myself slip some.  So I gained 10 pounds.  It's OK!  I will get back in shape.  I just need to find a new challenge.  Now I've found it and away I go.  I also needed to focus on my entire self, my faith, my food, my sleep.  Working out alone doesn't cut it.  I needed to drown out those negative voices from the old me and tell them to SHUT UP!  Then I needed to relax and take it ONE...MOMENT...AT...A...TIME!  The journey is long but it's worth it.  Cut yourself some slack...laugh when the medicine ball smacks you in the face...and keep moving.

God wants you close to Him...taking care of your relationship with Him (#1 priority!!!) and the body/mind He gave you is part of that.

Matthew 7:13-14

New King James Version (NKJV)

 “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.  Because^[a] narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

Birthday Blues

It seems every year on my birthday for the past 15 years or so, I've had a more difficult time celebrating.  I know part of it stems from a past relationship where gifts were thoughtlessly given and sometimes hurtful.  But I've heard of many others who struggle on their birthdays so I think the bigger issue is self esteem.

For whatever reason, I struggle with "deserving" a celebration.  I don't want to make a big deal out of my birthday.  I buy myself gifts now and then but even those are minimal.  When it comes to my birthday I struggle with having someone buy me something.  Yet when it comes to others, I want to buy them anything and everything they want.

As I have thought about this the past few days, I think about how it's impacting my kids.  I don't want them to feel like they don't deserve a gift or party.  Thankfully, I married a man who likes to invite friends over and makes a big deal out of birthdays and Mother's Day.  He pampers me for the day and has a party, makes the cake, makes the meal, does the dishes, etc.  I enjoy every minute but it feels very awkward for me at the same time.  It's taken me time to learn to accept this pampering and it's still hard. He's very frugal the rest of the year but he remembers the important days.

This year, I'm making a conscious effort in reclaiming my sense of worth.  I'm trying to consciously pamper myself.  To buy myself an unsweetened iced tea if I want it.  To exercise.  To sleep in on weekends when I'm tired.  And for my birthday I've planned a canoe day trip with women I know.

Out paddling on our honeymoon in Colorado

Did I ever tell you I used to lead canoe trips for women who had never gone before?  I used to be so adventurous back in the day.  I would head out for 7 days into the wilderness with food, tents, sleep pad, and gear on my back.  Somehow, being a mom and wife, I lost a bit of myself in the day to day.  Superhero #1 saw my paddles in their fleece bag hanging in the garage.

Superhero #1:  "Mom, what are those?"
Me:  "Those are Mama's canoe paddles buddy."
Superhero #1:  "Did you ever use them?"
Me:  "Yes, Mama used to use them all the time.  I'd go on camping trips in canoes and go from place to place camping."
Superhero #1:  "But, Why don't you use them now?
Me:  "That's a good question buddy, I think I should.  I think we should go out paddling sometime this summer too."

After that conversation, I planned my day trip.  So today, I'm going out on the water with 3 women who I barely know but who seem genuine and kind.  I'm that crazy woman who gets other women out on the water again.  I am loved by my family and God.  I am worth celebrating (even if I struggle with it.).

Today...go celebrate you.  You're a child of God.  A gift to others.  Don't ever forget that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNqAHrNNLqA

A Letter to My Younger Self

Sometimes, I wish I could write a letter to my younger self and help myself navigate the pitfalls that I stumbled upon.  Life hasn't always been easy but God has always been good.  So this is what I would write if I could send myself a letter back in time.  Attending graduation open houses and weddings has caused me to be a bit more reflective than normal.

With my best friend and her son (my godson) at his baptism.  Several years ago...time flies

Dear Me,

I want you to know that you're important.  You will meet people in life that try to use you verbally, physically, sexually, and emotionally.  Don't let them in.  It's ok to stand up for what you believe in and be respectful at the same time.  If someone makes you feel "less than" or ashamed for being who you are then don't take in their yuck.  That's not your "stuff".  It's their "stuff"  You are worth so much more.

Remember to take time for yourself.  You know that Bible that grows dusty sometimes that you can't seem to remember verses from?  Read it.  The words God put there will write themselves on your heart and you'll suddenly remember them when you're at the bottom of the bottom.  Your devotional?  Use it. Exercise?  Do it!

You know how you turn to food sometimes for comfort and then end up feeling worse afterwards.  Stop the cycle.  You'll think more clearly and be more able to take care of yourself.  Your weight will stop going up and down.  Your body and mind will feel better.

Don't focus on making everyone else happy.  Listen to God's quiet voice and He'll direct your path to a happier place than you can imagine.  I wish I could stop you from struggling like I did with pleasing everyone and losing myself in the process.  I want you to know that trying to please everyone else...it just stresses you out and usually...they either aren't looking for you to please them or they'll never be happy anyway.  You are a precious beautiful child of God.  That's what matters and He's happy because He made you.

Change the way you talk to yourself.  Don't feed yourself negative messages!  You're hurting yourself.  It takes some reprogramming but it's worth it.  When you are positive with yourself and confident in who are, you'll attract healthy friendships.  When you aren't, you attract others who have low self-esteems.

When you're dating... make time for yourself.  When you're in college and grad school...make time for yourself.  When you get married...make time for yourself.  When you have kids...make time for yourself, even if it's just an hour or two away grocery shopping per week.  You need it.  If you don't do it who will?

When the going gets tough (and it will), always, always, always remember to trust and turn to God.  He will get you through.  I'm here, stented heart, formerly abused woman (past relationship), out of depression survivor and all.  He can and will make beauty from ashes.  The more I've trusted and followed Him the less ashes I've had to walk through or the more the ashes look beautiful to me.  


Love,
Me