Beauty for Ashes

As I sit here and watch the 2014 Winter Olympic games, I see athletes who have been to previous Olympics.  Who thought they were at their prime then and now realize they had more to learn, they've trained better, strengthened their mind and body and are now more well rounded for the pressure and demands of the Olympic games.  It's easy to see how their past challenges have brought them to where they are now.  We see the forest.  They had to walk through the trees.

I know at other points in my life I have felt change blowing in.  Earlier this year I felt that.  Little did I know how many things would blow in, the greatest of which being the loss of my dad.  The details of my life, the things I struggle with are much like anyone else's life.  So I won't bore you with all of the specifics.  Bottom line...there seems to be a season change in progress.  Remember when I talked about the hermit crab we got.  The link to the post is there in case you missed it.  Part of me loves the excitement of change and the other part of me just wants to stay safe...even if the tank is crowded.

It's like the Olympians who think...this is it.  This is my one chance.  This is what I'm supposed to do!  And then there's a fall.  An injury.  Hope is gone.  They could stop trying or they could get back up and try again.  My Handsome Hubby and I repeatedly catch ourselves saying..."Can you imagine how much they have to practice to get to this point?!?! To get it right?!?!"  We could learn a lot from them.

Last night, we lay in bed and I said,  "I miss Dad.  I miss his encouragement and hope that he'd give when I was down or faced with a big challenge."  I went on saying, I know that I've been through a lot in life.  I can see how all of the big changes, big challenges, big sorrows, have brought with them great growth, joy, or opportunities.  I know this.  I read my devotions, my Bible, and it's like God is tapping me on the shoulder whispering gently, "Trust Diana, just trust," In Matthew 11:28-29 he says, Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 

I know this stuff.  But when I'm faced with my challenges...  When it seems like everything is so confusing and there is SO MUCH unknown.  It's tough for this human mind to trust.  Yet once we do it  is the easiest thing in the world.  My Handsome Hubby held me as I said, "How can you know something, have lived through challenges, seen the fingerprints of God all over your life, and still get discouraged when tough times come? Why is it I still struggle to see the forest in spite of the trees?"

Last night, I fell asleep to the lyrics of this song running through my head.  I hope it encourages you like it does me.  Click the link to the video in the song title below.


Beauty For Ashes 
written by Randy L. Scruggs; John W. Thompson.
Sung by Crystal Lewis

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When sorrow seems to surround you
When suffering hangs hangs heavy o'er your head
Know that tomorrow brings wholeness and healing
God knows your need, just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

When what you've done keeps you from moving on
When fear wants to make itself at home in your heart
Know that forgiveness brings wholeness and healing
God knows your need just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I've been set free
I've been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

I once was lost but God has found me
Though I was bound I've been set free
I've been made righteous in His sight
A display of His splendor all can see

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

He gives beauty for ashes
Strength for fear
Gladness for mourning
Peace for despair

Some things take time...

I love cooking. I love trying new recipes. I love waiting for the final product and seeing other's reactions. I love finding the perfect combination of flavor complexity even if it takes numerous attempts to get there. I love the challenge.

Yesterday, I made a crockpot marinara sauce from our leftover garden tomatoes that have been slowly ripening in our three season porch. I used the recipe from BudgetBytes with just a few minor alterations. I needed to add a bit of shallots since I didn't have enough yellow onion. Then in keeping with our unprocessed diet I added coconut sugar instead of brown sugar.  In the end, I went to bed while it cooked and I wish it didn't have as strong of an onion flavor.  I was able to add one can of organic tomato sauce and then I put it in 2 ziploc quart sized freezer bags to use for sauce later.

I also worked on making another variation of chocolate chip cookies.  I used recipes from a few sites.



Tweaking each to try to get the right flavor, texture, crispiness but chewiness.  You can see pictures of my final product.



So here's the final recipe.

Crispy and Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 cups blanched almond flour

2 TBSP. coconut flour

1/4 cup coconut sugar

2 TBSP. honey

1/2 tsp. grassfed gelatin

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp. sea salt

2 tsp. vanilla

1 egg

6 TBSP. grassfed butter OR palm oil shortening OR melted coconut oil

1/4 cup finely shredded unsweetened coconut

1/2 cup mini chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Move oven rack to middle position.  Mix above ingredients and using 1 inch cookie scoop place cookie dough balls on the parchment lined pan.  Press balls down to flatten.  Bake for 11-12 minutes until golden brown on the edges.  Allow to cool before removing from the pan.

So I had to wait for the sauce, I had to wait for the cookies.  It seems waiting is what I have been doing lately. My dad passed away last week unexpectedly from a heart attack. He was an honest, kind, generous, hardworking, intelligent man. He made time for everyone.  He valued his faith in Christ, family, and those he cared for above "stuff". 

As a child in a family with 6 kids we never had to do without but we also didn't always have all the materialistic things our peers had. We shared bedrooms. We wore hand me downs. We worked for what we had. We waited and it was good. 

We didn't eat out much and that was ok because when we did it was a huge treat.  We didn't get every toy we saw in the stores but when it was our birthday or Christmas...it was that much more special because my mom and dad didn't cater to our every whim. We waited and it was good.

Now as I wade through grief on my own and with my family I am reminded to wait. You can't rush grief just like you can't rush the sauce in the crockpot or the cookies in the pan.  They are only good if you wait.  You need to cry when the tears come and pick yourself up and move when you have the energy to. You keep stepping one foot in front of the other until you realize you're not as sad anymore.

When I was a kid waiting for Christmas I hated waiting. I was so impatient.  Yesterday, was a tough day for me and I was impatient with myself. But I let myself cry. I let myself remember his smile, his laugh, his mannerisms. I lay on the floor a little longer playing Legos with my Superheroes knowing that if today was my last day...I want them to remember me playing. I want them to have a mom who emulates the love my dad emulated. Who teaches the value of working, patience, waiting, and love.

But in order to not let the grief consume me I need to wait.  I need to grieve.  I need to cry.  I need to let my husband hold me and then...bit by bit...I also need to remember to live in the present and enjoy the life I have here.  At a pivotal point in my life, facing the loss of a job and a serious relationship, my dad asked, "If you could be doing anything in your life, what would it be?"  When I told him my answer he said, "So what are you waiting for?  Life is short...go do it."  So I will get through this grief and then I will remember him saying life is short and I will live.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

Waiting...

Waiting for the big stuff is hard.  There's no way around it though.  When I was single I was waiting to meet the right guy.  When I met him we had to wait for our wedding day to arrive and my house in another state to sell.  While pregnant we had to wait for the birth. Then there are all the little things...teething to be done, learning to walk, learning to talk, etc.  

We're in a holding pattern now that has lasted for quite some time.  I went to my hairdresser this weekend and she said, "you seem so calm today."  I had to think about it for just a moment. I think what was different is that in this wait I reached my breaking point and realized at my core that it's not worth stressing about. Everything is truly in God's hands and as hard as it is...sometimes for the big things in life and the little things in life...you just have to wait and be ok with what is.

So if you're waiting, please know you're not alone.  There are others out there waiting too.  

However, more importantly, God is there to help carry the load.

They that wait upon The Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint.  Isaiah 40:31