Picking my Battles in Simplifying Christmas

So it's Christmas and like everyone else...I'm busy beyond belief.  We have Christmas programs in church and at school.  We have shopping to do.  We have a trip to Minnesota coming up that includes a long drive and packing traveling food.  Doctor and chiropractor appointments are in the mix the next two weeks along with school and just general life.  I need to make 2 or 3 more Christmas gifts, wrap our family ones, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.  You get the picture.  I'm sure you could give me a list that is WAY longer than the one I listed.

My point in all of this is to pick your battles.  We complain about Christmas being too commercial.  Christmas is too stressful.  There is just too much to do.  We create our own prison in many ways.  So my tips for enjoying Christmas more...

Choose a few traditions for your family
Traditions are important.  I GET that.  I like that.  Choose a few that work for you.  Ones that aren't too stressful.  Whether it is an Advent calendar, Elf on the Shelf, Santa Claus, decorating the tree together, matching jammies, you pick!  This year with my dad's passing...I pared down some.  We decorated the tree together in our new Christmas pajamas, revisiting each ornament that was given with each year of their life.  We set up the kiddo and adult nativity set, talking about who each character was and retelling the story of Christ's birth.  We placed their newest ornament on the tree.  That was it.  Later, we'll open gifts and stockings and make our Baby Jesus Birthday cake.

Keep the Gifts Simple
Every year we struggle with how much or how little to give.  We're not perfect and would NEVER claim to be.  A neighbor explained how they were simplifying Christmas giving and it inspired me to follow suit.  So this year...other than their stockings...our boys have 4 gifts total.  They have one gift from each other and 3 from us.  We choose not to do Santa but still teach the story of who St. Nicholas was.  He was a "real" man who did kind things because he was a follower of Christ.  We keep our spending to a minimum.  Some of our things are second hand but in like new condition.  That is ok in our book.  If we can save some money here and there and put it towards college what a wonderful gift for later on!  The Wise men brought 3 gifts to Jesus and we have 3 gifts for our sons.

Make it a Christmas for ALL to Enjoy
I love making everyone else happy but the risk with that...is losing sight of taking care of my own physical and emotional well being in the process.  HELLO!  I HAD A HEART ATTACK!  For goodness sakes...I was a professional perfectionist that berated and held myself to a higher standard that anyone else.  Christmas is for your entire family.  If you're so strung out tired and stressed from creating Advent or Elf on the Shelf Activities and baking more than the Cake Boss...then your entire family will suffer.  Enjoy it!  If that means one year you have to scale it back and the next you can add more stuff in...then do it.

Christmas isn't about the activities, or the gifts, or the cookies, or the music.  All of those things add to the wonder of it and are in celebration of one incredible thing...Christ's birth.  Our Redeemer, the infant King who came to Earth to die for and cover all of our sins.  A baby who pooped, peed, teethed, nursed, slept, and learned how to walk like our kids.  We celebrate and make it an event because IT IS ONE!  If you celebrate your children's birthdays then for goodness sakes celebrate the birth of our Saviour!  But if you lose sight of His birth in all the hustle and bustle of societies standards, that doesn't mean you shouldn't celebrate it...it just means you need to use your filter and figure out how to make it significant in your family.

I'm not sure if this made sense.  It's just the ramblings of a tired mom who sees many people doing it up BIG so it's not about Christ anymore and the opposite end of the spectrum doing it up small so it seems like it's just another day.  Use common sense.  Pray about it.  Use moderation.

I hope I can share in the wonder and joy of Christmas with my kids like my parent's did.  My dad used to sit quietly on the couch smiling as we opened gifts not even touching his own.  My mom, likewise sat by his side with a smile on her face.  Enjoy it...Merry Christmas!

Walking Through Grief..

So when I started this blog, I fully intended it to be about healthy eating, health tips, time with family, etc. I soon realized it became a place where others followed my journey and walked through their journey at the same time.  We all have different challenges in this road to health.  We all struggle with different things.  Nobody is perfect and I don't want anyone to think I don't struggle too. But I have two little boys who I need to be around for in body and in spirit. So here is my journey...

As some of you know my dad passed away a month ago. So in this health journey I now am stress eating...it's so easy to do and so hard to stop. I bake when I am stressed. Then the baking must be eaten. So then I gain weight. Then I stress about that. It's a vicious unhealthy cycle.  But it's reality. 

I strive to be honest here. I may not tell you all the specifics of my life but grief is something that strikes us all.  And from grief we all must rise and move forward.  So it is that path I hope to share with you. I miss my dad. I miss his gentle nature. I miss his wise advice. I miss his jokes. I miss seeing his eyes light up every time he sees his grand kids. But missing him won't bring him back.

I have been through deep depression one time in my life and it was debilitating. I never, ever want to return there. I learned I had to keep moving.  I had to keep living because I was still alive. I had to reach outside of myself to help others so I was reminded its not just about me. I had to shower. I had to eat right. I had to exercise. I had to pray and walk so closely with God that He carried me because in truth I just didn't have the strength to walk on my own.  I had to cry...really cry and ask God for help. I had to lean on others and in leaning on others, in letting God hold me, I found my strength again.

I don't have that strength back yet. My five year old could "hear sad in" my voice last night as we talked about cousins and Grandpa. But I do have the complete assurance that my Heavenly Father cares very much about my pain and my sadness and is providing what I need when I need it...even if it's just a shoulder to cry on or a blog entry to write.

Psalm 23

King James Version (KJV)

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

² He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

³ He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

⁵ Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Some things take time...

I love cooking. I love trying new recipes. I love waiting for the final product and seeing other's reactions. I love finding the perfect combination of flavor complexity even if it takes numerous attempts to get there. I love the challenge.

Yesterday, I made a crockpot marinara sauce from our leftover garden tomatoes that have been slowly ripening in our three season porch. I used the recipe from BudgetBytes with just a few minor alterations. I needed to add a bit of shallots since I didn't have enough yellow onion. Then in keeping with our unprocessed diet I added coconut sugar instead of brown sugar.  In the end, I went to bed while it cooked and I wish it didn't have as strong of an onion flavor.  I was able to add one can of organic tomato sauce and then I put it in 2 ziploc quart sized freezer bags to use for sauce later.

I also worked on making another variation of chocolate chip cookies.  I used recipes from a few sites.



Tweaking each to try to get the right flavor, texture, crispiness but chewiness.  You can see pictures of my final product.



So here's the final recipe.

Crispy and Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 cups blanched almond flour

2 TBSP. coconut flour

1/4 cup coconut sugar

2 TBSP. honey

1/2 tsp. grassfed gelatin

1/2 tsp. baking soda

1/2 tsp. sea salt

2 tsp. vanilla

1 egg

6 TBSP. grassfed butter OR palm oil shortening OR melted coconut oil

1/4 cup finely shredded unsweetened coconut

1/2 cup mini chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Move oven rack to middle position.  Mix above ingredients and using 1 inch cookie scoop place cookie dough balls on the parchment lined pan.  Press balls down to flatten.  Bake for 11-12 minutes until golden brown on the edges.  Allow to cool before removing from the pan.

So I had to wait for the sauce, I had to wait for the cookies.  It seems waiting is what I have been doing lately. My dad passed away last week unexpectedly from a heart attack. He was an honest, kind, generous, hardworking, intelligent man. He made time for everyone.  He valued his faith in Christ, family, and those he cared for above "stuff". 

As a child in a family with 6 kids we never had to do without but we also didn't always have all the materialistic things our peers had. We shared bedrooms. We wore hand me downs. We worked for what we had. We waited and it was good. 

We didn't eat out much and that was ok because when we did it was a huge treat.  We didn't get every toy we saw in the stores but when it was our birthday or Christmas...it was that much more special because my mom and dad didn't cater to our every whim. We waited and it was good.

Now as I wade through grief on my own and with my family I am reminded to wait. You can't rush grief just like you can't rush the sauce in the crockpot or the cookies in the pan.  They are only good if you wait.  You need to cry when the tears come and pick yourself up and move when you have the energy to. You keep stepping one foot in front of the other until you realize you're not as sad anymore.

When I was a kid waiting for Christmas I hated waiting. I was so impatient.  Yesterday, was a tough day for me and I was impatient with myself. But I let myself cry. I let myself remember his smile, his laugh, his mannerisms. I lay on the floor a little longer playing Legos with my Superheroes knowing that if today was my last day...I want them to remember me playing. I want them to have a mom who emulates the love my dad emulated. Who teaches the value of working, patience, waiting, and love.

But in order to not let the grief consume me I need to wait.  I need to grieve.  I need to cry.  I need to let my husband hold me and then...bit by bit...I also need to remember to live in the present and enjoy the life I have here.  At a pivotal point in my life, facing the loss of a job and a serious relationship, my dad asked, "If you could be doing anything in your life, what would it be?"  When I told him my answer he said, "So what are you waiting for?  Life is short...go do it."  So I will get through this grief and then I will remember him saying life is short and I will live.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

If you Smack Yourself in the Face...Don't forget to Laugh

So this summer, I have been stress eating.  I won't go into what the stress is about.  This isn't a sob story about me.  I've gained 10 pounds since January and I know it's time to lose it.  I don't feel like I'm at my peak and my heart, my energy level, and my jeans show that.  :-)

I haven't been my "Superhero Mama" self so I needed to get back into it.  Not working out as much, not reading my bible as much, not going to bed as early, eating more 'sometimes' food, just not feeling as positive.  I try to be careful how I talk about my body and my weight in front of the superheroes.  I want them to know that strong can come in many shapes and sizes and that it's a full body, mind, faith in God package that develops strength.  So I've never said anything about it in front of them but I have made a shift backwards so I need to make that conscious shift forward again.

Step 1...I got back into my daily Bible readings (somehow life crowded them out).  Step 2... I started doing the couch to 5k program with the goal of increasing my speed (I can already run a 5k but I'm slow.).  So I run the intervals at a faster pace and the challenge is motivating me again.  Step 3...Then I started looking for new strength training routines I could do to "shake things up" a bit.

This brings me to the laughing part.  I was doing a new routine this morning.  You take a medicine ball.  Hold it over your head with your feet a little wider than shoulder width apart.  Then with your arms straight you (in one fluid movement...hypothetically), throw the ball down, move to a squat, pick up the ball from the floor and stand back up with the ball above your head...ready to start again.

Sounds great right?  I picked the 12 pound ball...seemed good since I've been doing more than that for other things.  Then I read the directions...it said "Throw forcefully".  So I did.  Wouldn't you know it...that ball bounced back up...hit me in the chin and threw me off balance.  Needless to say, I didn't complete the squat but I did start laughing.  In the past, I would have been mortified and not wanted to try again.  I would have berated myself for my clumsiness and not wanted to have anyone see me attempt it again.  I would have cut myself down.  But instead...I laughed.  I picked the ball up again and this time...I didn't "throw forcefully".  It went much more smoothly.

When I got home my muscles were happily sore and I was still laughing.  I woke up my Handsome Hubby for the day and shared my highlight with him.  He just smiled.  "I bet you didn't know you married such a graceful woman!".

My point.  Don't be afraid to try.  Don't take yourself too seriously.  This journey to health is hard!  I was smooth sailing and let myself slip some.  So I gained 10 pounds.  It's OK!  I will get back in shape.  I just need to find a new challenge.  Now I've found it and away I go.  I also needed to focus on my entire self, my faith, my food, my sleep.  Working out alone doesn't cut it.  I needed to drown out those negative voices from the old me and tell them to SHUT UP!  Then I needed to relax and take it ONE...MOMENT...AT...A...TIME!  The journey is long but it's worth it.  Cut yourself some slack...laugh when the medicine ball smacks you in the face...and keep moving.

God wants you close to Him...taking care of your relationship with Him (#1 priority!!!) and the body/mind He gave you is part of that.

Matthew 7:13-14

New King James Version (NKJV)

 “Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.  Because^[a] narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it.

Needing to Wait

I am not a patient person by nature.  Needing to wait for anything is difficult for me.  Waiting for my garden to grow...tough but exciting.  Waiting to find out if we were having a boy or a girl for both of my pregnancies...tough but exciting.  I am the person at Christmas and birthdays that wants to see the surprise and joy on the other person's face when they open their gifts.  I have a hard time waiting.

This morning, I poured my first batch of kombucha into small bottles and added a bit of flavor...strawberry lemonade to one and mango juice to the other.  Now I wait for 48 hours for it to ferment again.  I have to admit...I tasted it plain and was scared at first and then delightfully pleased.

So here's to waiting...the best things come to those who wait.

"They that wait upon The Lord , shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings as eagles.  They shall run and not grow weary.  They shall walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

Opening Up Each Moment

One of the things I value most about working with kids and having kids of my own is how everything can be seen through their eyes if we just take the time to listen and "be" with them.  I'm trying to soak up every moment of time with my boys.  You see...I desperately want more children.  My heart and soul aches for them but we're trying to see what direction God wants us to go at this point.  Every milestone, every moment, every laugh, every look of sheer joy...it is cherished these days as it should always be.

I look tired in the picture above.  My younger one has been up with growing pains the past 3 nights and I'm trying to get back into the 5-7 day per week workout routine while trying to keep and maintain that fine balance of being a mom, a wife, and a person who exercises 5+ hours per week.  But I wouldn't trade the sleepless nights for anything.  It's the time I get to snuggle with an almost 3 year old boy who is usually moving non-stop during the day.  The time I have his fuzzy head nuzzled next to the crook of my neck hearing him breathe and smelling his little boy sweat.

My older son, just got his first pair of glasses.  I almost cried seeing the excitement and joy on his face as he realized the picture books from the library had more words and the pictures were so "crisp and clear".  To think of what he'd been missing?  All those coloring sheets he hated in school.  All that handwriting work?  All that stuff he couldn't see but quietly  and without complaining did.  It breaks my heart.  Now he wears his glasses proudly right up until he crawls into bed.  He sets them carefully into his case every night and gently cleans them with his special cloth every morning.

I know it seems I'm rambling and in fact I am to some extent but there is a point.  Just be patient with me.   I had my cardiology check-up today and it went well.  I'm shifted to the yearly schedule instead of the 6 month schedule.  I feel good.  I did gain 6 pounds since the last visit which was a bummer but he wasn't concerned.  I type that here to be honest and to hold myself accountable.  I can't keep slipping...I'm 12 pounds from my heart attack weight.  In all honesty...I've been lazy.  I let life get away from me and stepped away from my commitment to work-out.  I've snacked a bit more.  Cheated a bit more.  And I can see it and feel it.

I seem to be hyper-aware of the time we have on this earth these days and making my moments matter.  I'm sitting on the floor and playing more.  We've gotten rid of a few more overflow toys so there's less cleaning for me to do.  In 3 weeks time, we've had friends over for 2 dinner parties, been to a dinner party and are having another one tomorrow.  I want to enjoy the moments I have left here and also make the moments impact others in a positive way.

All of these little snapshots are mundane, day to day things that could seem meaningless.  We're in a reality t.v. show society that enjoys and thrives on drama.  So much in fact that the media and even individuals try to create their own drama to make life more exciting.  But in the midst of that we forget to enjoy the simple everyday.  The moments that we can choose to be frustrating or fun.  The moments we can choose to enjoy or get uptight about.  The moments we can choose to work or play.  

I'm not saying we shirk every duty or that we can't ever be serious...but I am saying that God gave us a gift.  He's given me a second chance at life.  I can enjoy this gift He's given me or I can whine, complain, pout, micro-manage, clean, or get frustrated about everything until I've somehow sucked out all the joy from the life that He's tried to hand to me on a silver platter.  Don't just wait for the big moments.  

Enjoy the sweaty head snuggles at 3 in the morning when you just want to be sleeping.  Enjoy the endless hours of playing Thomas the Train, tower building, Hot Wheels, and playground play.  Enjoy the laughter, the giggles, the stories, their innocence, the butterfly chasing, dragonfly spotting, and talking to the bird feeder birds.  Engage in it.  Be part of it.  Don't sit on the sidelines.  Life's too short and every single moment is a gift.  Open each moment with the joy and wonder you had as a child.

Take the Risk

So I love paddling.  Love it!  I planned this trip out for my birthday thinking I would get a large group of women to go.  I invited more than is wise thinking that people would have commitments and have to cancel.  That's exactly what happened and it got down to 2 people and myself.

Taking the Risk moving away from my home state to another one...6 years ago on my birthday I married this handsome man.  Thankful for our journey together!

I really didn't know either well.  I just knew their names.  They didn't know each other at all.  But as we talked I realized the common threads that were woven between our stories.  In a few hours, we shared thoughts, stories, feelings, and emotions that will not be posted here out of respect to them and myself.

What I want to post is how important for us to reach out of our comfort zone and take the risk.  Take the risk of making a new friend and meeting a new person.  Take the risk of sharing a little more about yourself and taking off the mask of a "perfect" life.  When I do take that risk...I'm so much more free.  I don't have to live under the fascade that I don't make mistakes and that my life if perfect.  I can live under the truth that I'm me and it's enough and it's great.

Before I left, I'll admit, I told my Handsome Hubby, "I'm a bit nervous.  I hope we find stuff to talk about.  I know it will be good but I'm nervous."  He smiled, kissed me and said, "Go have fun.  It will be great."  He was right.

Three women who didn't know each other very well (other than names) went paddling today.  We took the risk.  It was freeing.  Happy Birthday to me!  :-)  Now go do something for yourself...even if it's not your birthday.

Birthday Blues

It seems every year on my birthday for the past 15 years or so, I've had a more difficult time celebrating.  I know part of it stems from a past relationship where gifts were thoughtlessly given and sometimes hurtful.  But I've heard of many others who struggle on their birthdays so I think the bigger issue is self esteem.

For whatever reason, I struggle with "deserving" a celebration.  I don't want to make a big deal out of my birthday.  I buy myself gifts now and then but even those are minimal.  When it comes to my birthday I struggle with having someone buy me something.  Yet when it comes to others, I want to buy them anything and everything they want.

As I have thought about this the past few days, I think about how it's impacting my kids.  I don't want them to feel like they don't deserve a gift or party.  Thankfully, I married a man who likes to invite friends over and makes a big deal out of birthdays and Mother's Day.  He pampers me for the day and has a party, makes the cake, makes the meal, does the dishes, etc.  I enjoy every minute but it feels very awkward for me at the same time.  It's taken me time to learn to accept this pampering and it's still hard. He's very frugal the rest of the year but he remembers the important days.

This year, I'm making a conscious effort in reclaiming my sense of worth.  I'm trying to consciously pamper myself.  To buy myself an unsweetened iced tea if I want it.  To exercise.  To sleep in on weekends when I'm tired.  And for my birthday I've planned a canoe day trip with women I know.

Out paddling on our honeymoon in Colorado

Did I ever tell you I used to lead canoe trips for women who had never gone before?  I used to be so adventurous back in the day.  I would head out for 7 days into the wilderness with food, tents, sleep pad, and gear on my back.  Somehow, being a mom and wife, I lost a bit of myself in the day to day.  Superhero #1 saw my paddles in their fleece bag hanging in the garage.

Superhero #1:  "Mom, what are those?"
Me:  "Those are Mama's canoe paddles buddy."
Superhero #1:  "Did you ever use them?"
Me:  "Yes, Mama used to use them all the time.  I'd go on camping trips in canoes and go from place to place camping."
Superhero #1:  "But, Why don't you use them now?
Me:  "That's a good question buddy, I think I should.  I think we should go out paddling sometime this summer too."

After that conversation, I planned my day trip.  So today, I'm going out on the water with 3 women who I barely know but who seem genuine and kind.  I'm that crazy woman who gets other women out on the water again.  I am loved by my family and God.  I am worth celebrating (even if I struggle with it.).

Today...go celebrate you.  You're a child of God.  A gift to others.  Don't ever forget that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNqAHrNNLqA

A Letter to My Younger Self

Sometimes, I wish I could write a letter to my younger self and help myself navigate the pitfalls that I stumbled upon.  Life hasn't always been easy but God has always been good.  So this is what I would write if I could send myself a letter back in time.  Attending graduation open houses and weddings has caused me to be a bit more reflective than normal.

With my best friend and her son (my godson) at his baptism.  Several years ago...time flies

Dear Me,

I want you to know that you're important.  You will meet people in life that try to use you verbally, physically, sexually, and emotionally.  Don't let them in.  It's ok to stand up for what you believe in and be respectful at the same time.  If someone makes you feel "less than" or ashamed for being who you are then don't take in their yuck.  That's not your "stuff".  It's their "stuff"  You are worth so much more.

Remember to take time for yourself.  You know that Bible that grows dusty sometimes that you can't seem to remember verses from?  Read it.  The words God put there will write themselves on your heart and you'll suddenly remember them when you're at the bottom of the bottom.  Your devotional?  Use it. Exercise?  Do it!

You know how you turn to food sometimes for comfort and then end up feeling worse afterwards.  Stop the cycle.  You'll think more clearly and be more able to take care of yourself.  Your weight will stop going up and down.  Your body and mind will feel better.

Don't focus on making everyone else happy.  Listen to God's quiet voice and He'll direct your path to a happier place than you can imagine.  I wish I could stop you from struggling like I did with pleasing everyone and losing myself in the process.  I want you to know that trying to please everyone else...it just stresses you out and usually...they either aren't looking for you to please them or they'll never be happy anyway.  You are a precious beautiful child of God.  That's what matters and He's happy because He made you.

Change the way you talk to yourself.  Don't feed yourself negative messages!  You're hurting yourself.  It takes some reprogramming but it's worth it.  When you are positive with yourself and confident in who are, you'll attract healthy friendships.  When you aren't, you attract others who have low self-esteems.

When you're dating... make time for yourself.  When you're in college and grad school...make time for yourself.  When you get married...make time for yourself.  When you have kids...make time for yourself, even if it's just an hour or two away grocery shopping per week.  You need it.  If you don't do it who will?

When the going gets tough (and it will), always, always, always remember to trust and turn to God.  He will get you through.  I'm here, stented heart, formerly abused woman (past relationship), out of depression survivor and all.  He can and will make beauty from ashes.  The more I've trusted and followed Him the less ashes I've had to walk through or the more the ashes look beautiful to me.  


Love,
Me

Facing Fears

I don't like sharing in front of groups.  Yet one thing I learned during my teaching years was that I was more than capable of doing it and when I got in the "zone" it flowed.  I would relax after the first couple minutes and was fine.

Over the past 6 years I haven't needed to worry about presenting in front of anyone. I haven't been formally teaching.  I haven't been formally presenting anywhere.  I've been a stay at home mom and wife.  I've loved it.  But it's easy to get in your little bubble and not challenge yourself.  In doing that, I think we end up limiting ourselves sometimes.  In limiting ourselves, I have to ask...are we really living life to the fullest or are we just playing it safe?

What living should look like...

Today, my Handsome Hubby and I presented at his work for their Wellness Wednesdays lunch meeting.  He did his part of the presentation and then I was up.  I'll be honest, I was terrified.  I considered backing out several times.  But I knew it wasn't what I was supposed to do.  I was meant to present and that's what I did.  I was scared for the first minute or two.  I shared my abbreviated story of why clean eating means so much to me.  How I survived a heart attack at the age of 34.  Then I found my groove and it flowed.

Before I presented, I prayed for strength and that God would give me the words to speak.  There was so much I could have covered.  I prayed He would use me for what He wanted covered.  It might sound strange if you don't share my faith but that's what I wanted.  I wanted to be as useful as possible.  I wanted my words to help someone else.  For the knowledge we've gained as a couple over the past year to benefit someone else like it has our family.

I faced my fears.  I was proud of myself.  I chose to live and not stay in my bubble.  I want to choose living everyday.

Psalm 56:3  When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.

Why?

With some new readers and some old and a need to articulate what I've been feeling lately...today will be a reflective entry for me.  Due to multiple events and questions I've needed to revisit the age old question of "Why?".  Why do I eat the way I do?  Why am I exercising so much?  Isn't it putting too much of a strain on my heart?  Why do I do most things holistically for my health and yet take one medication that the cardiologist prescribes?  Why?

Honestly, because of the people in the picture below.

Initially, I did everything out of fear.  Really, that's what it was.  I feared that if I didn't DO everything right I would keel over and die right on the floor.  Then for awhile it was control.  If I did "X", "Y", and "Z" I wouldn't have another heart attack.  

Gradually, I realized I needed to do it for me and for my family.  I realized that I would not, could not get answers at this time from the medical professionals that I see because my case is unique.  It's rare.  I'm an anomaly.  If you want to know more you can read my About section.

So I began to read more about health.  I had always tried to be healthy but now it was my lifeline.  Now it went from a curiosity to a passion.  Since I couldn't get complete answers in the hospital and doctors offices I started reading more.  I read about stress on the body, about inflammation, about foods and things that cause stress and inflammation of the body.  How inflammation and stress can impact the heart, your health, etcetera.

Keep in mind that I didn't stop what they were telling me to do.  I've continued taking the one medication that I'm on.  I managed to get them to wean me off 2 others.  So I'm VERY happy with that.  I question them incessantly and have a doctor that looks into answers for me.  My cardiologist is the one that wants me exercising and hour 5 to 7 days out of the week to create extra pathways in my heart.  To strengthen my heart.

I also know that I can control some factors but ultimately God is in control. However, He did give me a brain and common sense.  I can eat right.  I can exercise.  I can pray.  I can read my Bible.  I can pursue and build healthy relationships and create boundaries or end unhealthy relationships.  I can get sleep.  I can put the candy away (my weakness).  I can practice healthy self talk and encourage myself and others so I'm contributing to health and not stress.  I can let go of worry.  I can take time for myself and not feel badly about it.  I can play with the kids and let the house be messy.

Will some questions remain unanswered?  Yes.  And I need to let that go and live with it.  It is what it is.  God kept me around for a reason and I need to trust Him in that.

Does that mean I'll be perfectly healthy for the rest of my life and live to be 90?  I hope so but honestly I don't know.  What I do know is that I have a 5 year old sleeping right now who asked his Mama if we would go to heaven at the same time.  He said he doesn't want to be left alone without me.   I know that broke my heart.  I know it was related more to him realizing what "dead" meant after seeing his dad's dead turkey in the driveway than my hospital visits.  But I know even if it started with a dead turkey, his fears were real.  His tears were real.   

So tomorrow, I'll wake up early.  Get my gym clothes on.  And push myself.  Because I don't want my little 5 year old or my 2 1/2 year old or my 42 year old to be left alone.  That is why I do this.  I feel alive, strong, and happy and it's the best feeling in the world.

You've Got to Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Negative

My sister watched a lot of classic movies from the 40's so perhaps that's why this song pops into my head from time to time.  I googled the lyrics (not knowing where it's from) and apparently it was on a movie from that time period.  So thanks sis!  The full song was written by John Mercer.

Here's a little Bing Crosby and the Andrew's Sisters so you can hear what I keep hearing in my head...

 So in reclaiming my life I have tried to simplify and be more positive.  Not just in my eating, but in my everyday functioning, thoughts, life in general.  I didn't realize how much I had tied up emotionally in "stuff" in my house.  The sad thing is I was going to pass it onto my kids.

I taught for 10 years before becoming a full time at home mom.  During those years, repeatedly I saw the culture of entitlement.  Kids truly believed they deserved grades that they hadn't earned.  They thought they should get a reward for simply doing their work.  Now in small amounts, I am all for prizes.  But there are limits.  So I wanted to do different by our kids.  My parents didn't give us anything we wanted and I'm glad they didn't.  We had to work for it and all have a strong work ethic.

We live in a small house and just can't keep everything.  This has challenged me to free myself of a lot of "stuff" and teach my kids to free themselves as well.  I didn't want them to be resentful of me for donating their items though.  I felt guilty getting rid of things.  So at 2 years old, I had Superhero #1 begin donating things to "kids who don't have toys".  I would hold up 2 items (a favorite of his and one he didn't play with) and ask him which one we should keep.  Each time we did this it became easier until he started finding items for me.  He will be 5 this month and much to my surprise, he asked me for some bags and left for his bedroom.  When he came out he had filled 2 large paper grocery bags with toys.  His idea.  Not my idea.  He said, "Mom, we can bring these ones to the Salvation Army.  I don't play with them anymore.  Then I can make room for more toys for my birthday."  I couldn't have been more proud.  He was truly ok with it and has since helped clean out more.  We're up to 4 bags of toys and books now.

He inspired me to rid myself of more clothes, CD's, books, etc so our house can stay clean with less effort.  The crazy thing is the more you free yourself of stuff, the cleaner your mind feels.  It's like a weight is lifted.  It doesn't take as long to clean up.  So I have more time for family.  This makes me happier and the kids happier.  It's a positive cycle to start.  I realized I had a bit of that entitlement focus too.  I was focusing on what I didn't have instead of how blessed we were to have what we do.  When I  started "accentuating the positive" in all areas I was freeing myself to be happy in the NOW.

Are there things I want still?  Of course!  They're normal things...just like everyone else.  But like the Bible verse Phillipians 4:11 says, Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

Isn't contentment what everyone is searching for?  I'm content where God puts me and I hope and pray my kiddos can learn that as well.  My challenge for you is to get a paper grocery bag and fill it up.  Rid your life of one load and see how it feels.  If you can do two bags, do two.  It's hard at first but trust me...it gets easier.   While you're at it throw out some processed food too.  :-)

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Reality Check

Last week, I had several reality checks.  I developed a bad sinus infection and was knocked down and out with it.  Reality check #1...I am not invincible and even though I'm trying to do everything right to be the healthiest and strongest woman possible...I still get sick.  Thankfully with some colloidal silver, vitamins, sleep, and a sinus rinse three times a day I'm seeing the other side of it.  So needless to say the house got a bit messy, I had a bit less energy for playing, and I had to make a more conscious effort to not sit like a slug on the couch.

My reality check #2 came from Superhero #1.  He had a bad dream.  I lay with him that night and he kept moving an arm or a foot to touch me.  Just to make sure I was still there.  I know sometimes I get resentful about being up at night when I'm tired and want my sleep.  But that night I just lay there praying for this precious little guy next to me and tried to stay awake long enough for him to sleep and me to switch back to my own bed.  There's more to the dream but first I need to explain a bit about my frame of mind.

The next day was Sunday and it was packed with fun.  I was exhausted having been up with both kids the night before, having a sinus infection for a week, and not working out which makes me more tired.  We were supposed to go to a farm to see the maple syrup tapping class but I just wanted to stay home and have a pity party.  Then my little guy told me what his dream about and it changed everything.

He followed me inside while Superhero #2 stayed outside with Daddy playing in the snow.  I was surprised he came in and selfishly a bit disappointed because I thought I was going to sit at the table by myself for a bit.  Then Reality Check #3 came:

"Mama...that dream last night was a bad one."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Well, Mama...I kind of do and kind of don't"
"It's up to you buddy.  When you're ready I'm here."
"Mama, I dreamt you were up in heaven and not here with us anymore.  You got really sick and you couldn't play anymore because you were with Jesus."  Tears streaming down his face.

My heart broke.  Here I was having a pity party and my son was contemplating my mortality.  He's seen me in the hospital 3 times in a year.  Appendicitis, heart attack, stress tests.  Overnight hospital stays for multiple days.  Follow-up checks.  It's taken a year for him to finally stop asking me "How long is your doctor appointment this time mama?  Do you have to stay overnight?"

I get stressed easily.  I get overwhelmed.  But this year I've taken an active role in trying to change my thought process and my way of connecting with my family.  I had slipped the past week into my "poor me" mentality.  But you know what?  God used a 4 year old to give me a slap upside the head to say..."No...not poor me!  Lucky me!  Blessed me!"  I want to teach my kids that you can be down but not out.  That you need to seize every moment.  That life is short.  Let's go live it!

Checking out the baby lamb twins.  Just 2 hours old and still a bit messy.  Just like our lives at times.  :-)

So we went to the maple syrup thing.  Got there too late but visited the farm animals and enjoyed it.  I did have to go to the car early to warm up but afterwards we went to a Thai restaurant and all enjoyed a feast.

Some may wonder what I said to him when he told me about his dream.  Did I cry?  Did I say anything?  Did I downplay it?  I didn't cry and I didn't downplay it.
"Oh buddy, God's not done with me yet.  Last year, mama was really sick.  But God didn't take me home yet because He still has plans for me here.  Part of those plans are helping you and your brother grow up into big strong men who love God.  He wants me here so He's taking care of me so I can take care of you.  I love you so much and I'm not going anywhere."

He trotted off outside after that.  At peace.  Trusting that his Mama was going to be ok.  And I am.

Being Open to the Unexpected

So when I'm processing and waiting for something I have a few methods of staying in a healthy place.  I read my Bible a lot.  I do my devotionals.  I exercise.  I journal.  I pray.  I talk with friends and family to verbally process my thoughts.  You get the picture.  Lately, I've been drawing on all strategies in sorting out what life looks like from here on out.

I know I spoke about my cardiology appointment last month and how my Handsome Hubby and I had some choices to make regarding what our future looked like.  We've spent the month processing and continue to work through that process.  It's big.  It's overwhelming.  It's ours to make and may not make sense to anyone else but us.  I hesitate to post any of that process here because nothing is decided yet.

My challenge to myself and to anyone reading this is to always be open to the unexpected.  If there's one thing I've learned in life...some of the best decisions I've made, have been the ones that require the greatest leap of faith.  My first job in a field I didn't officially train for...GREAT!  My decision to go to graduate school when many parts of my life had derailed.  Fantastic!  My step to move away from my home town to teach at our state school for the Deaf.  Awesome!  Leaving my friends there to move to another state and marry the man I love. Profound!

While I make it sound like I made these decisions alone I really didn't.  God did.  I truly see His fingerprints in them all.  Each job, each transition, led to the next one.  Each skill I picked up enhanced my ability to face the next challenge.  There's a Nicole C. Mullen song called "I Can".  It's chorus says "I can, do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me." (Phillipians 4:13) We sing it here when we have to clean up the plethora of Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars on the floor.  But it really is a theme song for my life.  That along with the Nichole Nordeman song "Brave" that says,

The gate is wide

The road is paved in moderation

The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in

Welcome to the middle ground

You're safe and sound and

Until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything

But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo

I think I just let go

You make me want to be brave

The way it always was

Is no longer good enough

You make me want to be brave

Brave, brave

I am small

And I speak when I'm spoken to

But I am willing to risk it all

I say Your name

Just Your name and I'm ready to jump

Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?

Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo

I think I just let go

You make me want to be brave

The way it always was

Is no longer good enough

You make me want to be brave

Brave, brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame

Every storm will start with just a drop of rain

But if you believe in me

That changes everything

So long, I'm gone

So long status quo

I think I just let go

You make me want to be brave

I wanna be brave

The way it always was

Is no longer good enough

You make me want to be brave

Brave, brave

My point in all of this is that my preconceived notion of what I thought my future, our future looks like is morphing and changing right now.  God gives us little glimpses but not the full answer right away.  So I am tested in my patience and ability to trust that He knows what's best and my need to listen when He says, "Be still and know that I AM GOD."  (Psalm 46:10)  I'm truly trying to be still and be open to whatever He has planned.  Based on my past experiences...it's usually unexpected and I can either fight Him on it...or let go and join Him for the ride.  The latter is always so much better and so much more exciting.

Sometimes in the silence...

Sometimes in the silences of my life it's when the big stuff happens.  Right now I'm in one of those silences.  I can feel God holding me close, comforting me, reassuring me, and loving on me.  I am NOT a patient person.  But I know without a doubt that I am meant to wait Him out during this time.  I know at my core that big stuff is happening.  Patience is tough.  But God is good.  He's brought me through so, so much and reminded me that even when I can't see the forest in spite of the trees...He has a bigger picture.

So in that interim, I wait.  I pray.  I read my Bible.  I do my devotions (sometimes I read it twice just so it soaks in).  I bake.  I play with our kids.  I soak in my time with my Handsome Hubby.  And I pray some more.

Here is one of my baking successes this week during the wait.  I tweaked a few almond butter recipes that I found online.  It's so expensive in stores so I tried making my own.  You can leave the cinnamon and vanilla out and it will still be decadent to eat by the spoonful.  By adding the variety of nuts with the cinnamon and vanilla it's like eating apple pie (especially when you dip apples in it!).


Homemade Nut Butter

2 cups raw almonds
3 TBSP. flax seed meal
3 TBSP maple syrup

2 TBSP Coconut oil

optional ingredients:
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp cinnamon

Mix almonds, flax, and maple syrup together.  Spread on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet.  Bake at 300 F for 30 minutes total.  Stir once at the 15 minute point.  Remove from oven.  Cool.  Blend in high powered blender  (Vitamix) with coconut oil.  If you don't have a high powered blender you can use a food processor.  Add vanilla and cinnamon during this stage if you want the apple pie flavor.

You can also vary the taste by roasting other nuts with the almonds.  My favorite this week was 1 cup almonds combined with 1/3 cup pecans, 1/3 cup hazelnuts, and 1/3 cup walnuts.  I still had 2 cups of nuts total but it just had a different flavor.  Enjoy!

Life from Here on Out

Life has been busy the past couple months.  I've realized time seems to slip through my fingers before I can catch it.  Today's post doesn't involve any recipe.  It's more about acceptance and trust.  Part of reclaiming my life after the heart attack is realizing that life from here on out might be different and accepting that.

I had my 1 year check with the cardiologist this week.  Thankfully it went incredibly well.  I am off 2 of my medications so I'll have fewer side effects to manage.  Fewer chemicals being put in my body.  I'll still have 2 that I need to take daily to keep my heart healthy.  One of which may put any future baby's in my womb at an increased risk of deformities.  It's not a huge percentage.  But it caused my Handsome Hubby and I to stop and think about what we want.

Up to this point we've wanted more.  It's been open ended.  No specifics on when, how, etcetera.  Now it's more gray.  I'm scared.  Doctors can say I'd be fine pregnant but they still can't explain why or how I had a heart attack at 34.  They can't explain the tenderness I still feel in the site of the heart stent from time to time when I'm run down or sick.

I'm one to trust God for direction in all things.  Fortunately, I've learned that especially in the down and dirty, yucky stuff of life...HE is there.  HE has helped me.  HE is the ONE who keeps me going.  When I lay on the table and was told I had experienced a heart attack and needed a stent placed immediately...I didn't feel fear.  I felt HIS peace surround me and strengthen me.  I felt thankful that HE saved me...that I'd get to play with my boys again and see them grow up.

We don't know what our family is meant to look like from here on out.  We just know we're doing a lot of thinking, talking, praying, and trusting.  Sometimes in reclaiming your life you have to let go of the details so you can figure them out.  That's where we're at right now.  Waiting on an answer and trusting it will come.