Birthday Blues

It seems every year on my birthday for the past 15 years or so, I've had a more difficult time celebrating.  I know part of it stems from a past relationship where gifts were thoughtlessly given and sometimes hurtful.  But I've heard of many others who struggle on their birthdays so I think the bigger issue is self esteem.

For whatever reason, I struggle with "deserving" a celebration.  I don't want to make a big deal out of my birthday.  I buy myself gifts now and then but even those are minimal.  When it comes to my birthday I struggle with having someone buy me something.  Yet when it comes to others, I want to buy them anything and everything they want.

As I have thought about this the past few days, I think about how it's impacting my kids.  I don't want them to feel like they don't deserve a gift or party.  Thankfully, I married a man who likes to invite friends over and makes a big deal out of birthdays and Mother's Day.  He pampers me for the day and has a party, makes the cake, makes the meal, does the dishes, etc.  I enjoy every minute but it feels very awkward for me at the same time.  It's taken me time to learn to accept this pampering and it's still hard. He's very frugal the rest of the year but he remembers the important days.

This year, I'm making a conscious effort in reclaiming my sense of worth.  I'm trying to consciously pamper myself.  To buy myself an unsweetened iced tea if I want it.  To exercise.  To sleep in on weekends when I'm tired.  And for my birthday I've planned a canoe day trip with women I know.

Out paddling on our honeymoon in Colorado

Did I ever tell you I used to lead canoe trips for women who had never gone before?  I used to be so adventurous back in the day.  I would head out for 7 days into the wilderness with food, tents, sleep pad, and gear on my back.  Somehow, being a mom and wife, I lost a bit of myself in the day to day.  Superhero #1 saw my paddles in their fleece bag hanging in the garage.

Superhero #1:  "Mom, what are those?"
Me:  "Those are Mama's canoe paddles buddy."
Superhero #1:  "Did you ever use them?"
Me:  "Yes, Mama used to use them all the time.  I'd go on camping trips in canoes and go from place to place camping."
Superhero #1:  "But, Why don't you use them now?
Me:  "That's a good question buddy, I think I should.  I think we should go out paddling sometime this summer too."

After that conversation, I planned my day trip.  So today, I'm going out on the water with 3 women who I barely know but who seem genuine and kind.  I'm that crazy woman who gets other women out on the water again.  I am loved by my family and God.  I am worth celebrating (even if I struggle with it.).

Today...go celebrate you.  You're a child of God.  A gift to others.  Don't ever forget that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZNqAHrNNLqA