Tuesday, May 7, 2013


With some new readers and some old and a need to articulate what I've been feeling lately...today will be a reflective entry for me.  Due to multiple events and questions I've needed to revisit the age old question of "Why?".  Why do I eat the way I do?  Why am I exercising so much?  Isn't it putting too much of a strain on my heart?  Why do I do most things holistically for my health and yet take one medication that the cardiologist prescribes?  Why?

Honestly, because of the people in the picture below.

Initially, I did everything out of fear.  Really, that's what it was.  I feared that if I didn't DO everything right I would keel over and die right on the floor.  Then for awhile it was control.  If I did "X", "Y", and "Z" I wouldn't have another heart attack.  

Gradually, I realized I needed to do it for me and for my family.  I realized that I would not, could not get answers at this time from the medical professionals that I see because my case is unique.  It's rare.  I'm an anomaly.  If you want to know more you can read my About section.

So I began to read more about health.  I had always tried to be healthy but now it was my lifeline.  Now it went from a curiosity to a passion.  Since I couldn't get complete answers in the hospital and doctors offices I started reading more.  I read about stress on the body, about inflammation, about foods and things that cause stress and inflammation of the body.  How inflammation and stress can impact the heart, your health, etcetera.

Keep in mind that I didn't stop what they were telling me to do.  I've continued taking the one medication that I'm on.  I managed to get them to wean me off 2 others.  So I'm VERY happy with that.  I question them incessantly and have a doctor that looks into answers for me.  My cardiologist is the one that wants me exercising and hour 5 to 7 days out of the week to create extra pathways in my heart.  To strengthen my heart.

I also know that I can control some factors but ultimately God is in control. However, He did give me a brain and common sense.  I can eat right.  I can exercise.  I can pray.  I can read my Bible.  I can pursue and build healthy relationships and create boundaries or end unhealthy relationships.  I can get sleep.  I can put the candy away (my weakness).  I can practice healthy self talk and encourage myself and others so I'm contributing to health and not stress.  I can let go of worry.  I can take time for myself and not feel badly about it.  I can play with the kids and let the house be messy.

Will some questions remain unanswered?  Yes.  And I need to let that go and live with it.  It is what it is.  God kept me around for a reason and I need to trust Him in that.

Does that mean I'll be perfectly healthy for the rest of my life and live to be 90?  I hope so but honestly I don't know.  What I do know is that I have a 5 year old sleeping right now who asked his Mama if we would go to heaven at the same time.  He said he doesn't want to be left alone without me.   I know that broke my heart.  I know it was related more to him realizing what "dead" meant after seeing his dad's dead turkey in the driveway than my hospital visits.  But I know even if it started with a dead turkey, his fears were real.  His tears were real.   

So tomorrow, I'll wake up early.  Get my gym clothes on.  And push myself.  Because I don't want my little 5 year old or my 2 1/2 year old or my 42 year old to be left alone.  That is why I do this.  I feel alive, strong, and happy and it's the best feeling in the world.

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