Friday, March 8, 2013

Reality Check

Last week, I had several reality checks.  I developed a bad sinus infection and was knocked down and out with it.  Reality check #1...I am not invincible and even though I'm trying to do everything right to be the healthiest and strongest woman possible...I still get sick.  Thankfully with some colloidal silver, vitamins, sleep, and a sinus rinse three times a day I'm seeing the other side of it.  So needless to say the house got a bit messy, I had a bit less energy for playing, and I had to make a more conscious effort to not sit like a slug on the couch.

My reality check #2 came from Superhero #1.  He had a bad dream.  I lay with him that night and he kept moving an arm or a foot to touch me.  Just to make sure I was still there.  I know sometimes I get resentful about being up at night when I'm tired and want my sleep.  But that night I just lay there praying for this precious little guy next to me and tried to stay awake long enough for him to sleep and me to switch back to my own bed.  There's more to the dream but first I need to explain a bit about my frame of mind.

The next day was Sunday and it was packed with fun.  I was exhausted having been up with both kids the night before, having a sinus infection for a week, and not working out which makes me more tired.  We were supposed to go to a farm to see the maple syrup tapping class but I just wanted to stay home and have a pity party.  Then my little guy told me what his dream about and it changed everything.

He followed me inside while Superhero #2 stayed outside with Daddy playing in the snow.  I was surprised he came in and selfishly a bit disappointed because I thought I was going to sit at the table by myself for a bit.  Then Reality Check #3 came:

"Mama...that dream last night was a bad one."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Well, Mama...I kind of do and kind of don't"
"It's up to you buddy.  When you're ready I'm here."
"Mama, I dreamt you were up in heaven and not here with us anymore.  You got really sick and you couldn't play anymore because you were with Jesus."  Tears streaming down his face.

My heart broke.  Here I was having a pity party and my son was contemplating my mortality.  He's seen me in the hospital 3 times in a year.  Appendicitis, heart attack, stress tests.  Overnight hospital stays for multiple days.  Follow-up checks.  It's taken a year for him to finally stop asking me "How long is your doctor appointment this time mama?  Do you have to stay overnight?"

I get stressed easily.  I get overwhelmed.  But this year I've taken an active role in trying to change my thought process and my way of connecting with my family.  I had slipped the past week into my "poor me" mentality.  But you know what?  God used a 4 year old to give me a slap upside the head to say..."No...not poor me!  Lucky me!  Blessed me!"  I want to teach my kids that you can be down but not out.  That you need to seize every moment.  That life is short.  Let's go live it!

Checking out the baby lamb twins.  Just 2 hours old and still a bit messy.  Just like our lives at times.  :-)

So we went to the maple syrup thing.  Got there too late but visited the farm animals and enjoyed it.  I did have to go to the car early to warm up but afterwards we went to a Thai restaurant and all enjoyed a feast.

Some may wonder what I said to him when he told me about his dream.  Did I cry?  Did I say anything?  Did I downplay it?  I didn't cry and I didn't downplay it.
"Oh buddy, God's not done with me yet.  Last year, mama was really sick.  But God didn't take me home yet because He still has plans for me here.  Part of those plans are helping you and your brother grow up into big strong men who love God.  He wants me here so He's taking care of me so I can take care of you.  I love you so much and I'm not going anywhere."

He trotted off outside after that.  At peace.  Trusting that his Mama was going to be ok.  And I am.